Sometimes, it's okay to be a hot mess

Oh my sweet friends, how my heart is just aching tonight. This post will be very personal as that is what grief is, something personal and emotional.

Something I've always know about is how strong I am. My mother taught me how to be a strong, independent female. After my parents divorce and the deaths of my Grandma, Uncle and then my mom friends and loved ones constantly told me how strong I am. They can't imagine handling things like I do. "Kaci, your strength is inspiring." Their kind words and encouragement kept me going and my strength is something I am proud of. 

Tonight however, I realized that despite my strength, there's a much younger, more fragile version of me who just wants her mom and to be loved. This fragile version of myself has been pushed down by her stronger counterpart. Told to stay put as life has to go on. Told to be strong, because that's who I am. Tonight though, this fragile Kaci came out, no longer able to be pushed down. (I think the strong side of myself is just getting tired.) What made this fragile version come out? The fact that my friends forgot to order me a T-Shirt to match them for an upcoming event we have. Yes, it's just a shirt. Yes, I have now saved myself $25. Yes, you may think I'm crazy, but to me that shirt meant so much more. It meant fitting in with a group of friends, something I have trying so hard to do as I navigate through the real world. WIth my 11 girlfriends from high school I fit,a and boy do I miss them every single day. That shirt meant being loved and thought about enough to be included in the order. My fragile self just wants people to consider me. Me, Kaci, the girl who's grieving the loss of her beautiful mother. Me, Kaci, the girl who is trying to piece together some semblance of a family since my mom died. Me, Kaci, the girl who just wants to be okay but wants people to understand that somedays I am a hot mess. I just want to be hugged and told everything will be alright. Strong Kaci needs a break, even just for a few minutes. 

I kept going though while I was with my friends, shoved fragile Kaci down for a few more exhausting minutes and then drove home. On my drive I just cried and cried. Cried because I miss my mom. Cried because I want to fit in somewhere. And cried mostly because I am just tried of being so strong. Oh God, I cried. Please help. Give me strength and keep me going. Let me fit in and feel loved. And then God reminded me of his love in a song, "All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong." He's right. Life is going to be hard, because we're all on Earth which is littered with sin. However, Heaven is where I belong and someday, when God calls me there, what a glorious day that will be, as all will be well in my soul. What a blessing it was to in that moment have God remind me that my purpose on Earth is to glorify Him, even in my hurt. Rather than use all my own strength I need to rely on Him. And you know what, God's okay with fragile Kaci. He did create that side of me. He wants that side reveal herself. Break down more and say, you know what, today I am not great. Because at the end of the day, I belong to God, and He's okay if I'm just a big hot mess.