Grief Is An Interesting Thing

Yesterday marked two years since my mom passed away. It was a rough, emotional day and I wanted to share something I wrote a couple months ago which really sums up my grief over the past two years. 

Grief is an interesting thing. It jumps up at you unexpectedly. It comes at night and in the morning, but mostly it’s a long process, full of tears, doubt, fear and loneliness. For the first year and a half of my grief, I watched myself live my life from afar. I cried myself to sleep, listened to a laugh that wasn’t mine, lost a lot of weight but mostly I watched myself become this person I didn’t know. I think part of the reason that happened, is because the person I knew was defined by my mom. My beautiful mother gave me strength, courage and confidence. She laughed with me, hugged me when I needed it most and just let me be myself, always, no ifs, ands or buts about it. When she died, a part of me disappeared with her.

Through that first year and half, I lost all confidence in me. I didn’t know who I was, I felt so lonely and dated someone who just made me doubt myself more than anything. Sometimes, in a room full of people, many who loved me so much I just felt alone. The real me was a distance memory, who I hoped to one day find again. I graduated college, and started a life of independence, that was plagued by loneliness, grief and no mom to hug, shop for apartment décor with or call after my first day of my big girl job. Boy did that suck. So damn much.

I continued on searching for my counterpart who had disappeared. The anniversary of my mom’s death came and went and so did the holidays. With all of those things, came a new reality that I wasn’t used to. It meant a fractured family that I wasn’t comfortable around because I wasn’t myself; the wonderful young women raised by my mother who once had so much confidence and joy in her heart.

The Need to Be Transparent in My Singleness

My last blog post spawned a great conversation with my friend Katie, one of the few single Christian friends I have. God did blessed with me her for so many reasons and I am just thankful for her everyday! Katie and I often discuss our frustrations with being single. Soon we are starting the Captivating book together and I will be blogging some on that! We also spend A LOT of time talking about Hunter Hayes. He is just our favorite and we find him absolutely adorable.

Seriously, he's adorable!

But I digress. We both have many ups and downs with being single and I feel in my last post I tried to be funny and tie all my feelings up nicely by saying that I am just trusting in God's time. But friends, this can be SO hard. So hard it keeps me up at night. So hard that when people get engaged I am happy for them and then usually break down crying because I don't understand why that isn't me.   A big reason I worry about being single forever is because I am not a cookie cutter Christian girl. I enjoy drinking whiskey, like going out to bars to dance, enjoy some crude humor, sometimes have the mouth of a sailor and have many non-Christian friends. In my head most Christian guys marry these beautiful, almost perfect Christian women who are polite and lovely all the time. Obviously this isn't true and I am over-generalizing here but I feel I am just way outside the norm for Christian women. 

All the Single Ladies

Ladies, are you going through a quarter life crisis because you're still single? Do you think to yourself a lot, Hey, I'm pretty awesome, why I am spending my Friday nights alone with a glass of wine watching hours of Netflix? Are you concerned with how fertile you are? I know I am! And I completely blame New Girl for the fertile one. They had an episode dedicated to it, and it got me all freaked out. Now, you may think I'm crazy, (who is worried about how fertile they are at 24?!, crazy people, I know), but think I'm crazy it's totally fine, but I just turned 24 and my 10 year plan I made at 20 is NOT happening. I was supposed to be married at 25 with the first kid on the way at 27. Well I am 100% single, with ovaries that give me problems (shout out to all my ladies with ovarian cysts) and not anywhere close to marriage. [Enter panic attack here.] 

Now I know the old saying goes, "If you want to give God something to laugh about tell him your plans." Well I sure hope He's getting a good old chuckle because somedays my emotions can be summed up in the following pictures. (yes, they're all Jess from New Girl, but she sums up my life pretty well.) 

Sorry if you're offended, but it's funny.

I mean really, what if I had love and just threw it away because my standards are so high? 

Seriously what is love? Baby don't hurt me, no more. Okay that's a song. It poses a great question though!

Unfairness Really Bothers Me

Oh my sweet friends, how I sometimes long for fairness and justice in a world that is so unfair. I've been this way since I was a small child but lately I have really been struggling with this due to the actions of a former colleague. I had a passion for my former job as it benefited cancer patients and their families and was the place my mom was treated. I LOVED this organization and wanted it to succeed beyond my wildest dreams. Yet this person crushed those passions. They treated me poorly the last few months of the job so I quit. My passion was still slightly there so I stayed on to volunteer for an event which many of my friends were helping with as volunteers. Yet this person had the audacity to walk away from a group of people when I approached and would not speak to me at anything related to the event. Then they sent me a generic, type written, form letter thank you card and did nothing to personalize it, yet could personalize some of my friends who were volunteers. I was appalled to not be thanked for the hard work I put in as a volunteer for the event but especially for all the work I put in as an employee the whole year leading up to it. And boy, that lack of thank you infuriates me.  I had worked at that organization longer than this person had and had lost my mom to that disease and this person can't even say thank you. Well, let me tell you what. I was pissed and am still fired up about it. I may have even dropped an f bomb or two, because that is NOT okay and such a slap in my face. 

Finding God's Purpose in a Tough Situation

As you know, I quit my job. Quit the job I thought would be my life long career. Quit the job that meant so much to me as I was raising money for cancer research. Quit the job my mom knew I had a passion for. And why did I quit? Because the environment in my office was awful, belittling and made me downright feel worthless. 

Now people complain about their jobs all the time, but trust me, this situation just downright sucked. I left work crying at least once a week. I was taken off projects I was more than capable of handling only to be told my role was to be a assistant. There was no ifs, ands or buts about that. It did not matter that I graduated college with honors and spent my senior year overseeing 17 RAs and 350 residents. It did not matter that I had a passion for the job. It did not matter that outside our office, people valued my skill set. When people are threatened by your abilities, they can make your life miserable. This person came into the job after I had worked there for over a year and drove me right out of it. I won't waste your time going into detail about everything that made me leave but the decision to leave was a long, thought out process. The Lord paved a way for me though and gave me many opportunities to leave prior to when I did. He finally had to drop a bomb on me and make me see the time to leave was sooner rather than later. Sometimes I'm stubborn and God truly has to shove things right in front of my face to make me get it. 

All My Neighbors are Crazy

I am certain all my neighbors are crazy. That's a pretty bold statement, but it's true and you'll see why.

This is the beautiful view all of us get to enjoy on a daily basis. I mean, look how the clouds reflect on the water! It's just gorgeous. Most nights I eat dinner on my deck and come back later to watch the sunset. The view is just outstanding. The birds are always chirping and it's just downright lovely out here. However, none of my neighbors come outside to enjoy the view. No one eats outside, or reads a book on their deck. They may briefly shake a rug out or grill but none of them just sit outside. Okay weirdos.

I'd like to know what they're all doing. Are they hermits?  Are they allergic to the sun? Are their lives just too busy to find time to enjoy the beauty of it all? Or do they just enjoy TV that much they must stay inside? (Newsflash, bring your laptop outside and watch Netflix. I do it all the time and find no shame it.) But at the end of the day I am just certain they're all crazy, because only crazy people wouldn't sit outside and enjoy this. 

Sometimes Your Life Just Changes A LOT

Well my loyal blog followers, as you probably noticed, it's been 2 months since I have written on here. In those two months lots has happened and unfortunately, I just didn't write about it because somedays I just let me emotions get the best of me. I will cover each item below in a separate post over the next week or so, but to sum up the main points….

1. I quit my job. After countless months of being belittled, micromanaged and not a valued member of the team, I decided it was time to take my talents elsewhere. It was a long, thought out process but I came to the realization that life is to short to do something that constantly makes you unhappy. Unemployment sure is sweet though! I like having some free time to soak up the sun and read a book.
2. I was accepted into grad school and got a grad assistant position to pay for it. Praise God for this! A wonderful family I know well where I live is allowing me to live with them rent free while I'm at school. This is another HUGE blessing, and I cannot be more thankful for it. 
3. Making friends is still incredibly hard in the adult world. Netflix has become one of my good friends and boy, have I watched a lot of good movies and TV shows on there, but really, I'd just like some friends.
4. Moving sucks. It just plain sucks, especially in having to find storage for all my furniture. It sucks even more because I none of my burly male friends live close by to help carry things. Did I mention it sucks? Also, why do I have so much stuff? It's not necessary. 
5. Weddings are such a beautiful thing, full of love and an everlasting commitment to God. I have been blessed to attend a few this summer, but boy oh boy, does my heart ache for the day that I can be married to a wonderful Christ loving man. Being single is not something I love. My heart also aches knowing my mom will not be there to celebrate that day with me, and gosh, does that just hurt so bad. 

That is all for now. I hope you'll check back for all my updates on my life. Sorry I've been MIA. I will get better at this.

Sometimes, it's okay to be a hot mess

Oh my sweet friends, how my heart is just aching tonight. This post will be very personal as that is what grief is, something personal and emotional.

Something I've always know about is how strong I am. My mother taught me how to be a strong, independent female. After my parents divorce and the deaths of my Grandma, Uncle and then my mom friends and loved ones constantly told me how strong I am. They can't imagine handling things like I do. "Kaci, your strength is inspiring." Their kind words and encouragement kept me going and my strength is something I am proud of. 

Tonight however, I realized that despite my strength, there's a much younger, more fragile version of me who just wants her mom and to be loved. This fragile version of myself has been pushed down by her stronger counterpart. Told to stay put as life has to go on. Told to be strong, because that's who I am. Tonight though, this fragile Kaci came out, no longer able to be pushed down. (I think the strong side of myself is just getting tired.) What made this fragile version come out? The fact that my friends forgot to order me a T-Shirt to match them for an upcoming event we have. Yes, it's just a shirt. Yes, I have now saved myself $25. Yes, you may think I'm crazy, but to me that shirt meant so much more. It meant fitting in with a group of friends, something I have trying so hard to do as I navigate through the real world. WIth my 11 girlfriends from high school I fit,a and boy do I miss them every single day. That shirt meant being loved and thought about enough to be included in the order. My fragile self just wants people to consider me. Me, Kaci, the girl who's grieving the loss of her beautiful mother. Me, Kaci, the girl who is trying to piece together some semblance of a family since my mom died. Me, Kaci, the girl who just wants to be okay but wants people to understand that somedays I am a hot mess. I just want to be hugged and told everything will be alright. Strong Kaci needs a break, even just for a few minutes. 

I kept going though while I was with my friends, shoved fragile Kaci down for a few more exhausting minutes and then drove home. On my drive I just cried and cried. Cried because I miss my mom. Cried because I want to fit in somewhere. And cried mostly because I am just tried of being so strong. Oh God, I cried. Please help. Give me strength and keep me going. Let me fit in and feel loved. And then God reminded me of his love in a song, "All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong." He's right. Life is going to be hard, because we're all on Earth which is littered with sin. However, Heaven is where I belong and someday, when God calls me there, what a glorious day that will be, as all will be well in my soul. What a blessing it was to in that moment have God remind me that my purpose on Earth is to glorify Him, even in my hurt. Rather than use all my own strength I need to rely on Him. And you know what, God's okay with fragile Kaci. He did create that side of me. He wants that side reveal herself. Break down more and say, you know what, today I am not great. Because at the end of the day, I belong to God, and He's okay if I'm just a big hot mess. 

What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

Maybe you've seen the previews for the newest show on E!, What Would Ryan Lochte Do? If you haven't, you can watch it here. I will caution you, you will want those 4 minutes of your life back, but to understand this post, you need to watch it. 

Now I have a few thoughts about this show….

1. That's great he loves his family so much
2. Bless his heart, he doesn't have a lot of compelling thoughts.
3. At least he's pretty. Very pretty. (Yes I call men pretty.)
4. Why is this a show?! Are people really going to spend time watching this pretty young man make us all thankful God at least made him attractive and a great athlete. Don't people have volunteer work they should be doing instead? 
5. America, get it together with the reality TV trash. Ain't nobody got time for that. (Expect the millions who watch shows like this but I think it's all silly. For the record, I do not Keep up with the Kardashians) 

But most of all this trailer really got me thinking, am I sometimes just a pretty face? What comes out of my mouth on a daily basis? Is it positive and uplifting? Rude and snarky? Belittling? Kind? And do my words glorify God? I think it's something we can all reflect on, as I struggle with this on a daily basis. Sometimes my sarcasm has a mean tone to it. When I play tennis or competitive card games, I cuss like a sailor. Is my venting to friends constructive or just negativity boiling over into gossip? Am I gossiping often? Was that comment about that girls pants necessary? FYI, it wasn't. Those comments do no one any good. (See yesterday's post on this.) None of those things are good or righteous but we all do them because we are all imperfect. 

The writer's of the Bible knew we all would struggle with our mouths and encourages us to watch our tongues. 

^{James 3:9-10} 

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Proverbs 21:23

He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards himself from trouble. 

This week, I hope to not just be a pretty face, but use my words to encourage others and build them up as our words say a lot about us. Looks are the first thing someone may notice about you, but as Ryan has shown us, being the pretty face isn't everything. Jeah! 

Ladies, please stop tearing each other down.

Today I read about a female blogger who criticized the weight of a Oklahoma City Thunder cheerleader in a very passive aggressive way. You can read the full story here http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/sports-blogger-weight-shames-oklahoma-city-thunder-cheerleader-kelsey-williams--180043359.html

Now all I have to say is ladies' where is the love? Why do we as women feel the need to criticize the way other women look? Tabloids like People Magazine and US Weekly do it all the time with their Best and Worst dressed lists. Shouldn't all women be on the same team, encouraging each other with our insecurities rather than beat each other down? We are all insecure about something but we should build each other up in those, rather than tear each other down.

Or maybe criticizing other women makes you feel better about yourself? If it does, I think you need to take a good hard look at who you are as a person and your own self esteem. Putting others down to build yourself up is not good or healthy. You need to find confidence to be you. You do have a lot going for you. Go right now and make a list of your good qualities. If you're having a hot mess kind of day and can't think of any, ask your best friends. They like you for a reason! 

I just want to encourage you this week to stop tearing other females down. Instead, encourage one another to be the best version of you that you can be! 

A Baked Potato and Missing My Mom

My beautiful, courageous Mama!

Tonight as I sat down to eat my dinner all I could think was my mom and feel her in that moment. I didn't make anything special, a simple baked potato with cheese, bacon, broccoli and sour cream; a huge fan favorite in our house growing up. But boy did that baked potato make me miss my mom. She's the reason I know how to cook and am actually good at it. She taught me everything she knew, which was passed down from my grandma. All I wanted to do was enjoy that baked potato with her. Let her know how I'm doing, even though she's not here physically. It made me want to hug her and hold her hand. 

It made me think of all the lessons she taught me. How money isn't something to idolize. How kindness to strangers go a long way. How to be an independent, strong female but to love people with all I have. But more than anything it made me miss her. Made me miss the woman who single handedly raised me. The woman who was my protector, provider, teacher, guider and through out my college years was becoming a friend. My sister and I were raised in a home where our mom loved us unconditionally, but she was the mom. She wasn't one of those parents who tried to be our BFFs, and I am so eternally grateful for that, as I now know how to be a mom. However, I am sad I missed the chance to be BFFs with my mom. I long for that everyday and will continue my whole life. 

It's so just silly what things remind us of those we lost but for that I am grateful Grateful that things still remind me of my mom. Tonight for me, that reminder was a baked potato. 

Hope in Yet Another Tragedy

Our grandparents remember where they were when JFK, Martin Luther King and Bobby Kennedy were assassinated. For our generation we will always remember 9/11, Newtown and now the Boston Marathon bombing. As I sat at my desk yesterday, unable to work, listening online and watching the live Twitter feed so many emotions ran through me. Anger, sadness and full of questions.

Anger at the person responsible for this. Anger that our country is yet again dealing with a tragedy. Sadness for all the people affected. The small children in the crowd. The families there from Newtown who were to be honored, to be given a break from their grief. For those injured and killed. All they simply wanted to do was watch or run a marathon. An innocent activity. Yet, that innocence was ripped away by this horrific act. 

I began to weep as I saw the video of the blast, and watched the old man get knocked down by it. Now, old men always bring about a lot of emotions in me, as they remind me of my beloved Grandpa. But seeing that old man go down, just really affected me. 

The Old Man After the Blast

It made me cry out to God, why? Why is this happening? Why another tragedy?  Why knock our nation down, when we haven't stood back up from the Newtown tragedy? All I wanted to do was go to church and pray. Pray and worship the Lord. The why question will never fully be answered during my life on Earth (I like to think when we get to heaven, you get a question and answer session with God, where he shows you why things occurred, it's probably wishful thinking, but hey, who knows!) as it just does not make sense, but the thing to remember is there is sin in this world. We all sin, and fall short. Everyday when we wake up, we will do something sinful that day. Because of sin, we all hurt other people. Why some people's sinful nature bring about so much tragedy and unrest, I don't know but what I do know is God is the only steadfast, unchanging thing in my life. In every circumstance, no matter how distant God seems, He's there.

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for you are with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. 

He was there today. Today watching over the scene, that makes no sense to us as humans. He was there with the brave men and women who rushed to the scene to take care of others. He was there as people comforted each other. He was there as our nation mourned. He's there tonight, comforting the families of those who lost our lives. God is in control of all of this. He never promised our life would be easy and without hurt. But eventually He promised that one day, He will return to wipe away all of our pain. Until that day comes, we need to keep praying, looking out for one another and finding the good in each day. Whether that good is just a simple sunshine or smile from a stranger. There is good out, some days it might be more difficult to see. But it's there. 

Revelation 21:4
and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away